Forty Four -- That's Me!

It was my birthday last week on September the 15th. Even though my emotions sit very firmly in Piscean energy with my Pisces Moon.. I'm a Virgo, through and through.. with all 3 Sun, Rising and Mercury planted comfortably in this Virgoan energy. And I do love me a good informative speech.

So, here is my contribution:

I do want to honour my place at this time in history as this solar return feels particularly charged for me but I also want to share some insight and a glimpse of what this journey has been like for me.

So, firstly, why did this year feel particularly important to me? Well, my life path number is 22 and this is now multiplied. Life path number 22 is a Master number. It is known as the Master Architect. And I have to say, it certainly feels like I have been creating a lot over the last few years. Some of those things I put my all into, didn't pan out, and some other things I was so certain about, also did not come to fruition. Dealing with that has been very painful and difficult. But not all has been in vain. On the upside, I finally did open up my practice and it is going very well thus far and I'm trying to let myself enjoy and celebrate that... and to also surrender and accept that those other things did not work out. It's been a heavy load to carry..one with a lot of grief and so much heartache. But it is one that I can finally put down. And the realization that I don't have any control of how some things are going to unfold for me.. even as much as I tried so hard to make it happen.

Full disclosure - This was the first birthday that I felt dread celebrating because all the things I thought I would have, I did not have. What is strange about it is that I never thought about those things growing up. I mean, we all think eventually we might have a family, but I guess because of my own experiences in life, it was never something I actively sought after. It was probably the opposite. I felt like I was running from it. Always choosing the things that I knew would not bring me there. But as I sit here in all of my feelings, I can say that I absolutely do want all of that. I do want a family. And my version of that doesn't have to be the same version of the one that I had growing up. It can be different. And maybe I don't have it yet, but it doesn't mean I won't have it. So, I'll take that. Maybe one day in the future that can still be mine. Now that I know that I very much do want to build that life for me, I can put it out to the universe with certainty and Clarity and wait and see.

I have been working my ass off so effin hard the last few years.. on so many fronts..trying to make so much stuff happen. I've been hustling and making all kinds of sacrifices. It's been one helluva SUPER hard journey. But I'm here now and starting to see some of the rewards from all of my effort.

But let's go even a bit further back..

I spent a great deal of my life hiding, withdrawing and making myself really small and invisible. I didn't have a voice and I always played second fiddle in my friendships and connections.. never the main character energy. Because I wasn't showing up as who I was.. I started subconsciously making up for that by showing up extra loudly in my appearance with my style and brightly coloured hair. My desire to stand out and not fit in became stronger and though it only showed up in my outer appearance then... it would take many years and lessons to finally start showing up that way for myself through my actions, thoughts and behavior.

Becoming the lead character, taking up space, being unapologetic in how I showed up and putting an end to Self Abandonment are all the ways in which I shifted my energy. Those things take time.. so much trial and error. So much healing and introspection. So much grace. And it's something that you continue to do for your entire life.

So.. now I'm here. At the precipice of the new. I laid all the groundwork over the years and I'm seeing the fruits of my labour start to show up. Slowly.. but steadily. And even though it took me quite a while to move through so much grief of not being where I thought I'd be.. and I no doubt, will continue to experience pockets of that grief.. I think I can still manage to say that I am SO super proud and grateful for the space I am in right now.. if not anywhere else, but in my own heart. And that is a really beautiful thing to me. And I want to honour that. I want to celebrate that!

That I am this incredible Woman who can show up entirely authentically as me. With power, strength, resilience, grace and an infinite amount of compassion.

And maybe I didn't achieve the surface things that I thought I wanted.. but the foundational things that I have achieved are infinitely more valuable and precious to me in a way that I did not see before. But I have the sense to recognize it now.

So, here's to 44... and to many many more.

I look forward to all of those other things to begin now as well.

Much love,

-Giuseppina. .xoxo.